Trauma

Trauma

Let me introduce myself. I am a well settled software engineer in a fast growing software firm, happy with work. I have achieved most of the things, say job, flat, bike, friends, girl friend, everything you say it. I have created my own world, my passion and my love. You may find this as rosy cozy picture perfect. So far so good. Then where is the problem, means I had problems in my life, one can say a bad phase. But I had gone through it. I simply amazed how I had handled those situations and how strong I was. But today I feel somewhat helpless for the situations I am in.

Four years before, with lot of struggle and hard work I cleared my engineering. Best part was I scored enough to sell myself in job market. It was difficult but not impossible to survive in this market. Eventually did C-DAD and joined a reputed software company as an s/w engineer. Then I had bought a flat at hometown. Also by the time developed relationship with a very sweet girl, my own love. Again so far so good. Simple right? I look like a happy person in each perspective. I should be happy. But I am not.

First time it strikes me when I got clear my final year B.E. exams. I had done lot of hard work and had devoted much time in it. But when I saw my name in the list of passed candidates I feel nothing. I was just relaxed. Ok, I have cleared it, finally. But I was not excited, not happy but only relaxed. I didn’t feel this thing before. This was an end of one phase of my life, but still I was just relaxed. A strange thing, but I told myself by saying, hey man you are optimist and always looking forward type. Hence, now onwards you just look forward and forgot the entire thing you did, mostly achievements. I followed my inner voice.

After a year I got a job, very good job indeed for me. That job was the solution for my family’s financial problems. I was supposed to be happy that day. But the same feeling haunted me. I just felt like calm and comfortable. Not a feeling of joy or happiness. Something was missing.

The best part in my life came next. I was in love. I felt love for first time to anybody outside my family. She was the best, suited me very well. With lots of ups and downs in our relationship everything is going well. By the time I am also doing well and career path is wide open full with all exciting opportunities. Still at this point again I am not feeling anything. No sense of delighted happiness. I feel like a blank slate.

I am in pursuit of happiness. Where can I find it? That is the question.

Pursuit of happiness begins:

What is wrong?

For that I need to ask myself a question. What I am considering as my achievements are actually my achievements or something else.

I found this question interesting. Whatever I achieved that was the things that I was told by someone, directly or indirectly. These may be or may not be the one’s which I want to seek. But I was told to do so. Hence the feeling of owning the achievement is actually not exactly mine. The achievement is important for me also, but I was not the one who wrote it for me. I was not the owner. I was the carrier. I was the carrier to fulfill my society’s wishes.

So this went wrong. I am not owner. I don’t own anything, but I am the transporter. Acting as a carrier of someone else’s dream.

Why it is so?

This is because I am living according to people’s expectations from me. These are the expectation which I can feel, nobody tells me about it, but it is my duty to sense it right and act accordingly. I am supposed to fulfill it. Hence I got lost in somewhere between and got the feeling that something is missing. Now this missing feeling is haunting me all the time, ask me, to do something different.

But now even if I feel that I have come closer to solution I don’t really know what to do. From last few days I am trying, but whenever I tried, I found myself directed by the expectation. I feel like expectation n what I really want are mixed and lost somewhere. Now I feel that others expectation is what I really want. This is important. I have lost my identity. Now I am confused what to do next?

I have no solutions at this point of time but will definitely search for them.